You Only Live Once
a grape fell into my cleavage and i looked around for help but nobody was around so i got it myself.
just shoved six pieces of gum into my mouth because Im seven
Tonight think im gonna dare someone to chew one of these flattened, debris-covered sticks of gum that live at the bottom of my purse
Maroon 5 lookin guy in worn jeans and just tight enough t-shirt coaching his son at soccer = the hottest thing Ive seen in the last month
an erection that, when inside of you, expands width-wise until it explodes or you do. #yolo #tuberculosis #scurvy
fuck me like you paid for me--gotta remember to use this line next time.
Thought my theme song was Tusk by Fleetwood Mac but now I think its a song I just made up called, Pussy, Pussy, Yer a Big Fat Pussy
Face-sitting time!!! #YOLO #Zima #piersmorgan #scubagear
Yes, do you? @robdelaney hey do u ever let guys kiss u where u pee?
@SalPane Cuz youve successfully urinated in a cup?
Havent lost any enthusiasm for my santa gangbang fantasy.
Im having a good pubic hair day
my vagina doesnt have many friends
gonna organize a play date for my vagina.
just tongued the fleshy middle of a halved apricot like it was a woman
Ate a mango over the sink like it was the meaty part of a severed thigh
Mangoes: the crab legs of the fruit world.
Can we all agree that the Girl Scouts Samosas are the worst cookie of the bunch? I ate six of them to be sure and I think I am right.
eating handfuls of granola like i am a horse and i am feeding that horse
just ate a cinnamon bun that was the size of a personal pan pizza. #notlying
i wanna eat syrup. i have no fucking waffles.
i just Kit Katted the fuck out of myself
whenever i eat turkey legs i pretend i am a caveman and i am loving my life
omg somebody please bring me pancakes
Ok guys, seriously 4 minutes after I tweeted about needing pancakes work dude comes in and hands me a tiny bag of donut holes.
hi guys. i ate blackberries, a banana, cherry tomatoes, a carrot and an orange today. it&$146;s like i ate carmen mirandas hat.
women who masturbate with an UNPEELED banana probably didnt think things through
I ate food from a food truck in a tornado
i want to eat all the food
I am in a bikini and it is horrifying
I AM NOT PETITE
hey pretty babies how bout i maybe try to feel good about myself today, hey hey pretty babies pretty babies now
you guys! i flipped a fried egg in a skillet without using a spatula! #YOLO
gonna take an amphetamine now. not even sure if i can spell it right. #yolo #shirleytemple #hungryhungryhippos
SO MANY TWEETS! WHAT DID WE DO BEFORE TWEETS? DID WE JUST SAY THINGS RANDOMLY INSIDE OUR HEADS TO NOBODY?!?! ANSWER: I THINK SO
GOTDAMN TWITTER! MAKIN ME THINK IN TWEETS! I THINK IN TWEETS SOMETIME AND IM LIKE HOW BIGGA DOUCHE AMMI?!?!? ANSWER: SOOOO BIG!
FORCED A GUY TO WATCH 2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY WITH ME LAST NIGHT. GUY ALMOST BEAT ME UP AFTERWARDS. WHAT IS ALL THIS NONSENSE!?-QUOTE
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS, HAL SPOILER ALERT- HE DIDNT OPEN THEM AT ALL!!
Crazy Asian Co-worker keeps referring to a skunk as a scum i.e. It smells like scum in here. Do you smell scum?
hey you guys My crazy Asian coworker didnt know that coffee has expiration dates! SHE JUST CAME IN MY OFFICE TO TELL ME THAT THEN SHE LEFT!
this IS my Halloween costume - T-shirt my crazy Asian coworker is wearing today. She boggles my mind. Also, she has at least four shirts that say YOGA. When asked if she does yoga, the answer was no.
The copier running out of paper while Im using it feels like losing at Hot Potato
Im SOOOO good at mouse-clicking! Wish there was a job for that. I click so good! So fast! Accurate!
co-worker made me watch a video of a cat opening a freezer door and eating frozen fish sticks. feigned amusement.
is eating raw oatmeal any good? I have a packet here at my desk and dont really feel up to walking to the hot water thingie.
Woke up late today, didnt fix my hair. It looks like shit. My boss comes in and goes, Your hair is different today. I really like it.
my boss just caught me fist pumping to If I Could Turn Back Time.#awkward #yolo #fruitflies #toenail
MY BOSS JUST MADE ME SIT IN HER OFFICE FOR 35 MINUTES WHILE SHE WROTE AN EMAIL.
just epic lied to my boss about chicago. Hook. Line. Sinker. #yes!
people at my work are nutsack crazy today i want to go on a punch frenzy and eat this entire box of wheat thins with a bottle of wine help
@WheatThins is following me. I give them three days until they unfollow. #toomanymasturbationtweets
Just realized its Cut off your nose TO SPITE your face Makes WAY more sense than Cut off your nose DESPITE your face. #wasconfused
My mom used to work at a deli. Thats it, man. What do you want from me? #happymothersday
My mom beats all my high scores on Donkey Kong and signs her name as HOR. #happymothersday
My mom gives my dad the best blowjobs. #happymothersday
My mom has three tits and dont give any shits about it. #happymothersday
My mom fed me ham sandwiches until I died. #happymothersday
90% sure my mom masturbated to Hulk Hogan back in the day
@mensahdemary you are only supposed to listen to your mother 75% of the time.
RT @robdelaney Which sounds classier; dong or schlong? Im writing a letter to my grandmother.
I think I favor African elephants over Indian elephants
@aubreyhirsch almost ended that tweet with #racist? But decided against it
@aubreyhirsch man! Im sooo fuckin racist! #shame
My well-woman exam is today. Ugh. If only my DR could do the breast exam at the same time shes doing the vag exam. Might be more fun.
anything prolapsed is just bad news
Have google image searched the following penises so far: cat, horse, tortoise and pig. (dont ever do this, btw)
my testicles smell like pasta <---search term that just hit my blog
Also its funny if you tell people not to google blue waffle and then watch their face when they do. #YOLO #kanye #rehab
22 tweets over 16,000. Another twitter milestone ignored and not cared about.
WHERE MY 12 BILLION FOLLOWERS AT?!?!
Chances are pretty good Ive blocked your retweets
@benloory has the best retweets in case yer interested
RT @salesses every tweet i write, Im like, is this going to get on the nervous breakdowns best tweets list?
I CANT SEE THE SUPERMOON! DOES THIS MEAN IM BLIND OR MY PART OF THE PLANET IS DOOMED?
About to get my wine on with some crunk bitches
Shook the hand of a 2 fingered woman. Pretty sure it was more awkward for her than it was for me
gonna keep on pretending alcohol has no calories
Man these bitches are drunk
RT @poetryduh When @xtx33 and I are drinking, I say, Never have I ever been published in @TheCollagist, and @xtx33 takes a drink
@devan_ SWEET! My ideal sangria is fruity but has enough booze to fuck you in the ass after two glasses #sangriasummer2012
ALL I HAVE BEEN THIS WEEKEND IS A USELESS DRUNK
Never too drunk to write
White guy singing Call Me Al while another white guy is feeding me forkfuls of steak. But with BROCCOLI!! Ew! Stop it with the broccoli!
Okay now hes singing Color Me Badd. This is awesome. Where is @rgay?
RT @blakebutler the internet is a place where real live people come to let other people know electronically how they feel about real life
someone say how much they love me
I believe some of the best move-busting Ive ever done has been to Brick House.
Cant NOT move side to side while listening to Phil Collins, Dont Lose My Number #YOLO #tightass #FourLoco #StarburstChews
feel bad fer allu kidz that dont know jack about ELO
iPod walking, Radioheads Just comes on, I lie down and wait for the first person to trip over me.
@aubreyhirsch @iSmashFizzle @rgay i think that means you are a flaming hot burning metal vehicle of sex. so, i would have to agree with that
@aubreyhirsch How big is your dick?
@Terry_Strom Yay penises! Ammi right?!?
Lost another follower. #tits #oral #SF49ers #analpenetration #Skittles
lost 3 followers today. #winning
gained a follower back. #YOLO #clitoris #@robdelaneys beard #dirtysanchez
hey guys, two days ago i asked everyone to help me get from 853 followers to 12 billion and today i have 854 followers.
899 FOLLOWERS! JUST A FEW BILLION AWAY FROM MY 12 BILLION FOLLOWER GOAL! PLEASE RT! WE CAN DO THIS!
i hate how everyone seems to have lots of friends. hate = jealous/sad
wine helps me
Dear Writer: Thank you for the opportunity to consider your work. Weve read it with care but have decided not to accept it for publication.
@rgay Dear Writer I mean, jeez, how hard would it be to type in a name?
3 rejections from 3 different journals in 1 hour. Really? You guys sit around and plan this shit? How can we soul crush this writer?
What kind of wood doesnt float? NATALIE WOOD!!! #nostalicjoketweet
when i finally go to college, i will pick one that has child rapists in the sports program. just kidding. I will never go to college.
Just figured out what YOLO means. #YOLO