portion of the artwork for Caleb Knight's poetry

Not Having Known Now for a Long Time
Caleb Knight

Sex. Snuck out
the window of
the parish we
moved into when
my dad left
and we could not
keep looking at
the empty body.
Gravel crunching
as I run
to her sedan
waiting on
a country road.
I do not remember
if we held hands
or made small talk
as she drove me
to her favorite spot
beside a chain-link
fence next to a
single oak tree
but I know
my knees
were shaking
and my hands
trembling from
not knowing what
came next, not
having known now
since my dad left
as she climbed
onto my lap and
grabbed my neck
my hair my tongue
my belt undone
my pants pulled
to the floormat
of the passenger seat
and her hands
grabbed me
like they needed
to grab anything
and I found my hands
groping blindly
grabbing back
and feeling solid
for the first time
and we tumbled
to the back seat
and she straddled
me, and I went in
for the first time
knowing love as
physical, desperate,
urgent, real
until I thrust
one time and came
the disappointment
setting in for everyone
as she drove me home
and I crunched gravel
climbed back in
the window
and told no one.

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FRiGG: A Magazine of Fiction and Poetry | Issue 59 | Spring/Summer 2022