Choose a General Topic
Cee Pugsley

Choose a General Topic: The beverage I ordered at a store.
Store Location: Rockville, Maryland
Name: Britt Mattington
Email: BRStylesMattington@gmail.com
Phone: 301-224-5575
Address: 1107 Valleywild Dr.
City: Glenmont
Country: United States
State/Province: MD
Postal Code: 20906

Message (10/07/2024 11:27 AM):

I’m just messaging to let you know about an experience I had today with a pumpkin spice latte I had ordered. Somehow it was made without coffee? It wasn’t a huge deal, and I’m sure they would have remade it for me, but I was running late for an appointment, and it took me several sips to realize what was wrong, because I just didn’t expect that particular problem, because I just feel like coffee should have coffee in it, you know?

I’m sure someone would’ve loved the steamer version, maybe my daughter will when she’s older, and without the coffee it’s a great shade of orange, which was how I could tell the coffee was missing when I looked at it, but I have a new baby girl, and things have just been hard, and coffee kind of keeps me going. Maybe I ordered it wrong in the first place, I don’t know, she was fussing. But I’ve never ordered a steamer before, and latte means coffee, right? So I was sad to not receive the shots of espresso. Maybe it would’ve made that midwife appointment easier, made it easier to fill out that stupid postpartum questionnaire.

I did go back to the store afterwards to see if maybe I could do something about it, but the sugar helped some, and I had drank most of it by then, and when I went back I saw that the shift had changed, so I didn’t want to try to explain the whole thing, and I guess I should’ve tasted it before I walked away, but my baby was in the Moby and I didn’t want to risk spilling on her like I did before with my oatmeal, which already made me feel shitty enough.

Even now I don’t know if I’m blaming myself unnecessarily, for that, or for not noticing the coffee missing from my coffee, or for not having been able to think about everything enough to see how hard it would all be, just with the laundry and the dishes and dishes and dishes, the way milk gets on everything and you only get a couple ounces, and the letdown makes you want to just kill something, so you buy the formula and you buy the $7 coffee with no coffee, and just buy and buy even though you make no money. Funny that they call it a “letdown,” really.

Anyway, is it blaming yourself unnecessarily if things really are your fault? A lot, pretty much everything, has been on me over the last seven days, and the seven before that, and the four weeks before that, so of course I’ve been blaming myself. Maybe I answered that question wrong when I checked “not very often,” but if I did that’s my fault too, isn’t it? Not “unnecessarily,” but for real.

I just don’t want anyone to get in trouble for this, because I’m sure I could have noticed and I could’ve just let them know even though the shift had changed, or I could’ve just used the free Keurig they have in the waiting room at my midwife’s office instead of spending so much of my husband’s money that he insists is mine on stuff I should have time to do at home. I mean, she doesn’t even roll yet. Using the French press shouldn’t feel so fucking overwhelming. Maybe that’s me not being able to cope. Another question I got wrong. Probably it’s just that I’m failing at this whole thing. It’s not like I’m busy with books and tummy time. If I were, then maybe she would roll by now. I’m mostly just watching TV, trying not to cry.

I didn’t put that in the questionnaire either, but I’ve always been a crier. I mean, I cry just because I look at her and I want her so much, so I just didn’t feel like it would be right to put “quite often” for the crying question cause that’s not super abnormal for me, and it’s not always bad crying. I just don’t want to alarm anyone. I don’t want to alarm you. I just want coffee in my coffee and I want to feel like I can handle things and I want to feel like I really, really love her like I’m supposed to, and that’s easier to do when I’m caffeinated and not being quizzed.

Maybe I should be thanking you instead of writing in to complain about a mistake that was probably my fault anyway, because it’s coffee that made me sure I love her. That fear when I heard that arrythmia, how the Doppler sounded weird and the nurse held it there so long and didn’t say anything. I could hear it was just … off. Everything stopped. That was my fault too but it was just from the quad espresso I’d accidentally ordered. Pregnancy brain, you know? And when she was fine I was so so so relieved. And that’s what I think about when I’m not sure about the love. It’s how I know that I must, so much. So thanks for the coffee. I don’t want to think about how things would be now if they’d forgotten the coffee in my coffee that day.

I’m sorry for making you deal with all of this. Maybe it was a good thing I fucked up and didn’t get it fixed anyway. Maybe I’ll sleep tonight without the caffeine.

I just don’t think that question was fair, the sleep one, I mean. That’s why I put “not very often.” But who with a six-week-old and a caffeine habit they can’t kick even when they’re pregnant sleeps? Sure, I don’t even sleep when she sleeps, and she sleeps well for such a little baby and I should be happy about that. But I don’t think it’s being “so unhappy” that keeps me up. I don’t feel “so unhappy,” exactly. I don’t feel enough of much to feel “so unhappy.” I’m too tired. And I’ve always had times like this when I just can’t sleep. Isn’t the questionnaire looking for changes, things you’ve never felt before? Maybe I thought my midwife would be able to see through me, to see the real answers from the bubbles I filled. I don’t think I wanted her to, though. I didn’t want to talk about it. I was so tired, and I hadn’t had my coffee because it came without coffee in it.

Maybe if it had been there, I’d have the energy to go back and retake that screening, fill in all those worse bubbles I didn’t fill, but what would they do then? I just don’t want to scare anyone. I don’t want anyone to think I can’t do this and take her away or send me anywhere. Because I do love her. It makes everything horrifying all the time. Maybe it’s not the coffee. I don’t want you to blame yourselves. Maybe it’s all the worry that keeps me awake even though she sleeps and sleeps. Maybe it’s that I can’t stop thinking about the shitty, scary world I was stupid enough to want to bring her into. I should get used to not having coffee anyway. It’s going extinct or something, isn’t it? Aren’t we all?


Choose a General Topic: Other
Store Location: Montrose Plaza, Rockville, Maryland
Name: Brittney Rebecca Mattington
Email: BRStylesMattington@gmail.com
Phone: 301-224-5575
Address: 1107 Valleywild Dr.
City: Glenmont
Country: United States
State/Province: MD
Postal Code: 20906-1142

Message (10/07/2024 02:42 PM):

This is a follow-up to my recent message. I haven’t received any sort of confirmation or anything, so I hope you can look it up somehow. My message ended abruptly because of the character limit, and I couldn’t stop thinking how the end might have seemed cryptic, which is entirely my fault for not just shutting up.

Who needs 6,300 characters to complain that their coffee had no coffee, really? Also, I remembered there are several stores in Rockville, and I didn’t want people from the wrong store to be in trouble for forgetting the espresso in my latte. And I said, “Latte means coffee,” but I think latte might actually mean milk, so maybe I should have clarified that I wanted espresso in my latte, even though I’ve never had to do that before. Anyway, it happened at Montrose Plaza, but it was an honest mistake, and I should’ve gotten there on time, or even early, so I didn’t have to rush so much through that questionnaire, which I answered wrong, wrong, wrong, just like I got which store it was wrong, maybe.

I went to school for social sciences, research methods and all that? I know how hard it is to measure certain things. Happiness, for instance, is famously difficult to measure. Self-reporting, also, notoriously problematic. I feel like people like midwives should know that, and maybe not trust it so much? I don’t know if I feel “so unhappy,” exactly. I know I don’t sleep. I know I lock myself in the bathroom and cry while the baby screams in her crib at nap time.

There’s this study, one the aggressively childfree love to share around, which concluded that having a child reduces a person’s happiness more than pretty much any other life event. More than divorce, chronic illness, death of a loved one. But they only surveyed parents of infants. Older parents report a greater sense of satisfaction than non-parents. Satisfaction is a more reliable metric, you know. Logically, I guess I’ll probably be an older parent eventually. I just wish I could believe it.

I think it was just that last question that mattered, though, the self-harm one, and the thoughts I have don’t really count, I don’t think. I’m way too much of a coward to ever do anything like that. Sometimes I think it’d be better if I just kind of poofed away, because Matt never yells at the baby, Matt never sends crazy messages to customer service people. The baby doesn’t hate Matt like she hates me. She doesn’t claw at his chest and scream and flail at him like she does me. And Matt would check the coffee to make sure it had coffee in it, he wouldn’t waste all the money because he’d be able to use the French press AND teach the baby to roll over.

I guess I have thoughts like that “quite often,” just thoughts, though, not plans or anything, and it’s just some kind of magic trick or something I think about, not “harm,” exactly.

I hope I’m not following up too late and no one has gotten in trouble at whatever store might be the default Rockville store. The baby was pissed off, kicking my keyboard with her stupid little owl footies, so I had to wait for her to nap, and maybe because my coffee had no coffee in it I’m fighting this awful headache.

Anyway, sorry about that long first message, and this one, and sorry about insisting that latte means coffee, because now I’m almost certain that latte just means milk.


From: No-Reply@customercare.#########.com
To: BRStylesMattington@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Incident Reference # 191017-000047
Recently you requested personal assistance from our support center. Please find our response below. Thank you for contacting us.

Response (10/07/2024 05:39 PM):

Hello Britt,
I just finished reading your email and appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns with us.

Britt, thank you for bringing the experience you had with the Pumpkin Spice Latte you ordered to our attention. I do really understand the importance of getting your drinks exactly the way you want them, and I regret that you have to deal with this. I’m more than happy to help you.

We are constantly looking for ways to improve the quality of our products and service to create enthusiastically satisfied customers. Therefore, we would be more than glad to share your feedback with the District Manager of this Store to address this.

Additionally, I would like to invite you back for a better, more satisfying, experience by crediting your Rewards Card ending in 6627 with $8. The funds are available immediately for your use, which you should see reflected in a new balance of $27.42. I know this is not why you wrote us, but I recognize how disappointing it is not getting your order correctly. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to fix something that went wrong.

Sincerely,
Anielka R.
Customer Care Team


From: No-Reply@customercare.#########.com
To: BRStylesMattington@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Incident Reference # 191017-000662
Recently you requested personal assistance from our support center. Please find our response below. Thank you for contacting us.

Response (10/07/2024 06:47 PM):

Hello Brittney,
Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I have just read through your message and appreciate your making the effort to share your concern.

Thanks so much, Brittney, for bringing the experience you had with the Latte you ordered to our attention. While the term “Latte” does come from the Italian for “milk,” all of our Latte drinks should feature our dark, rich Espresso balanced with steamed milk and a light layer of foam. The perfect milk-forward warm up. I’m so sorry that your Latte arrived without espresso and that you’re unhappy with your experience. How frustrating! I understand how difficult it can be when things don’t turn out the way you had hoped.

I appreciate you sharing this experience with us so that we can use this opportunity to improve. Therefore, I will be sharing your valuable feedback with the staff of the Montrose Plaza store.
I have also applied a $5.00 credit to your Rewards account for your card ending in 6627. You should see this reflected in a new balance of $32.42 when you refresh your app! I hope you can look forward to your next visit on us.

Thank You Kindly,
Jasmine
Customer Care Team


From: BRStylesMattington@gmail.com
To: No-Reply@customercare.#########.com
Subject: Re: Re: Incident Reference # 191017-000662

Message (Saved as Draft)(10/08/2024 04:01 AM):

Do you understand, really?

I just keep thinking about all of this. I realize I’m entirely unable to look forward to my next visit, to a Pumpkin Spice Latte that actually has espresso in it, to a future when my daughter will not be sucking me dry, to much of a future at all that doesn’t feel doomed. I’ve always had trouble envisioning a future, so I thought I looked forward to things about “as much as I ever have,” so that’s what I filled in. I guess the problem is the past wasn’t all that great inside my head to begin with. I appreciate the free drink, as much as I appreciate much at all lately. I’ll make sure it contains coffee.

I’ve been thinking about all the things I’ve done wrong, about Kaithlin with that weird “h” who didn’t put the espresso in my latte, all the wrong answers I put on that damn questionnaire. How obnoxious I was to think the midwife shouldn’t have believed my bullshit. If I’d cut out coffee like I was supposed to when I was pregnant, I wouldn’t have endangered my daughter with that quad espresso, I wouldn’t have gotten anyone in trouble. Hell, maybe I would have been ordering a steamer, or better yet, nothing at all, not spend that money that isn’t mine to begin with on stuff I don’t deserve.

Lots of things keep me up. Sometimes it’s that weird, wrong sound from the doppler, the way that nurse stood there and stood there. I did imagine a future then, one without a baby in it, and I was scared. So, so, scared. But there’s my daughter asleep rocking in her Momma Roo with the lights off and the music low because nothing I do with my body really calms her now that the milk is going, and I’m still so scared. So it wasn’t the coffee. Don’t blame yourselves. It was me.

When I’m up at night like this, watching her sleep in the swing so she doesn’t roll over for the first time ever only to suffocate herself, or when she’s up and screams and screams and Matt’s away for work like he is now, I ask how could I have forgotten I was pregnant when I was 30 weeks? I joke around and say, haha, pregnancy brain, but really, what the fuck? I want to blame Josh, a familiar barista who knew I was pregnant and gave me that quad anyway, but it was me, really. I couldn’t have forgotten. Did part of me want something to go wrong? I don’t think I felt that way, but I’m wrong about so much lately, and really, how could I have forgotten unless I wanted to? Maybe I still want something to go wrong. Is this being “anxious or worried for no good reason”? The world is made of good reasons to worry, so I wasn’t lying, exactly, when I answered, “no, not at all.” It doesn’t matter much anyway, since there’s no such thing as a magic poof, not the kind I talked about before.

I really do try so hard not to complain and make everyone’s life harder. We all make mistakes, little mistakes like making a coffee drink with no coffee in it, and big, huge mistakes. I’ve made that kind. I’m not some kind of spiky-haired let-me-see-your-manager bitch, I just need help. I needed to ask for help, somehow, and this is the only way I could manage to do it honestly. I have to let someone know, it just wasn’t what I expected. What should be, just isn’t there.

---

Cee Pugsley’s Comments

This story came out of a mixture of my own experiences, both parenthood and Large Coffee Chain–related, and an inspiration I felt upon rediscovering a very different, small needful piece, Amy Hempel’s story, “Reference # 388475848-5,” which is told through a woman’s beautiful pleading in the form of a letter contesting a parking violation. While I’ve never found myself seeking connection in this sort of way myself (yet?), it’s fascinating to imagine all the strange crevices, however appropriate, into which our human complexities might leak in this often stifling world. My oldest child, whose small, arrhythmic heart indeed made the doppler sound all wrong, came out OK in the end, and I make my coffee at home these days.

Table of Contents